In which our heroine **sigh** talks about her feelings

No good stories going on right now. I'm busy with school most of the time, but this is what I have had on my mind:

I'm not a huge LoTR fan, but there's a fantastic line in one of the books. Bilbo is describing why he has to give up the ring. He says that feels like too little butter spread over too much bread. Okay, now that I've said that, I've become obsessed with getting it right, so here's the actual quote: "I feel thin, like butter spread over too much bread."

Anyhow, that's a pretty fair description of how I feel: I feel sharp and brittle; I feel cracked like the desert floor; I feel raw, like a scab you keep re-opening; I feel like I'm swaddled in cotton; I feel like butter spread over too much bread.

I've fought with depression for most of my life. I have chosen to remain unmedicated, and I often review this decision. I ask myself if normal people feel like this. I ask myself whether medication would improve my standard of living. The biggest question for me is about what makes up... well, me. I am my brain, and whatever chemicals I'm stewing in at the moment. I worry about taking anything that will alter my thought process -- I mean, where do I end, and where does the medicine begin? So, I remain unmedicated, and work through my problems the best I can. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second at a time.

Part of the problem is that I know I have a hard time managing my time. I'm ever the optimist when it comes to the amount of time something will actually take, and when I pad my time estimates, it usually turns out to be pretty spot on. Unfortunately, that fact doesn't actually stop me from being optimistic. I always think that the next time, I'll get things done faster. The issue? I am right occasionally, and it only enforces my time mismanagement.

The other problem is that I have no idea of how many responsibilities I can handle. One day, I'll be berating myself that I'm so freakin' lazy, and I can definitely get so much more done than I do. The next day, I'll realize that the next time I have a chance to read a book for leisure is in about two months, while I'll be in a plane going to Europe. A very important concept in my life is one of balance, and I can't quite seem to get it quite right.

I'll get there, though. I'll keep trying, I'll keep failing, and eventually I'll get there.