In which our heroine is proposition in the most curious of ways

This was a while back, but I didn't realize I hadn't blogged it. Here we go:

One of Asimovian and my friends was in town and wanted to go to a club. There is a Friday-night-only club that several friends like to go to, and it was decided that this was the club we would be patronizing, even though we'd never been. This club is... I guess you might consider it a saucy kind of club. Free spankings on stage and all that. However, being freaky is only encouraged, not required, so we fit in just fine. I spent a lot of the evening hanging out with Space Kitty.

Now, I have to take a second to explain a couple of things here. First off, our heroine is not particularly a looker. I mean, everyone who gets to know me totally wants me, of course, but people aren't stopping me on the street to ask my phone number, if you know what I mean. Space Kitty, on the other hand, is adorable as hell and was dressed particularly saucily. And was very drunk. Very, very drunk.

So back to the dance floor. Several of us were shakin' our respective thangs. This creepy guy had been following Space Kitty around (cute + drunk = creepy guy magnet) and he was just STANDING on the dance floor STARING at Space Kitty, looking her up and down, repeatedly. So, I maneuvered myself between Creepy Guy and Space Kitty and turned my back to the guy. So, a few moments later, little creepy guy came up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders (yick), leaned into my ear (double-yick), and said,

Creepy Guy: Hey, wanna come back to my place? I have bagels and salmon.
Me: WHA?
CG: You wanna come over? I have bagels and salmon.
Me: Uh, no. I'm married.
CG: Wha?
Me: Married. ::points at her wedding ring, then points at her visibly upset husband::
CG: Huh?
Me: ::points at wedding ring, then her husband, then waves bye-bye::

I mean, I do look like a gal who enjoys herself some tasty breakfast snacks, but first off, does he not even know what it's called lox? Secondly, EW! Thirdly, don't piss off the black man who has 6 inches and 100 pounds on your scrawny ass.

Truth be told, it was more pathetic than anything and hey, I got a funny story out of it. The most amusing bit is that we're going back to the same club on Friday. I guess I'll bring my appetite in case he offers again. 'Cause who am I to turn down bagels and salmon?

In which our heroine discovers that she's rather predictable...

Christmas always brings out the best and worst in people. In me, it usually brings out the weird, which is to say, it brings out the best AND the worst in me. I have an odd sense of humor, and not everyone gets it. However, one of our programmers at work totally gets my sense of the absurd. He's also a long-time vegetarian. So, when I was in the $1 bin area of our local Red Dot Boutique (that would be Target), and I spied a "Meat Playset," I knew I had to get it for him. It's a little basket with a pork chop, a steak, a hot dot, a hamburger, and other plastic facsimiles of dead animals. C'mon, it's perfect for the vegetarian programmer in your life.

Anyhow, I wrapped it up in very generic paper, and left it on his chair this morning. I disguised my writing and simply wrote that it was from "Santa." A few hours later, a certain programmer dropped by my office and it went a little something like this:

Veggie Programmer: You got me the meat playset, didn't you?
Me: Wha?
VP: Yeah, someone left it on my desk this morning, and I'm sure it's you?
Me: No, I had David in the gift exchange. I didn't get this... what was it? Meat? for you.
VP: Well, this is the first place I stopped by because I was sure YOU bought it.
Me: So someone buys you meat, and I'm the FIRST person you think of.
VP: Well, it said it was for ages 4 and up...
Me: Haha. Alright, yeah it was me.

Yep, I was the first person he thought of. I'm getting predictable in my old age. And kudos to VP for engaging me in the most surreal conversation I've had all year.

Leaving to go to dinner...

Jake's sister, TooTall, and her husband, Vroooooom, were getting ready to take Jake out to dinner for her birthday. (Yes, send a card. ) Jake remarked on how freakin' freezing it's been the past few mornings, and how she uses Asimovian as a timer for the heater. ("It's cooooold... go turn on the heeeeeater... then the shooooower... then come back to bed so I can put my cold feeeeeeet on you!")

And now, back to our program already in progress:


TooTall: Well, you could get a thermostat with a timer on it.

Jake: Well, we rent, and it seems awfully complicated.

TooTall: No, it's actually really, really, REALLY easy. I mean, Vrooooom put ours in...

Vroooooom: I'm starting to feel a little insulted here.

TooTall: But, you put it in and it works great.

Vroooooom: You're not making it any better.

TooTall: But what I'm trying to say is...

Vroooooom: Nope, still feeling insulted....

TooTall: [to Jake] He could HELP YOU. He could help you install it is what I'm TRYING to say!

Vroooooom: Uh, no.

Jake: Uh, hey... how's about some dinner?


No marriages were harmed in the making of this scene.

In which our heroine loves her glasses...

Another quick tale from the aforementioned grocery trip. Also, a little background:

I wear prescription sunglasses. I choose to wear glasses instead of contacts because I think I look better in glasses, and my prescription is primarily for astigmatism. I keep my sunglasses in the car, and sometimes I forget to switch from my sunglasses to my normal glasses. If you see someone walking around the store with their sunglasses on, chances are that it's me, and I'd look all squinty if I took them off.

However, I always feel a bit self-conscious when I wear my sunglasses indoors, so when the grocery trip turned from long to epic, I decided to take off my glasses and try to get used to looking around without them. My evil nephew, BP (Bottomless Pit), turns around and looks at me with surprise. He says, "Aunt Jakey! You have really dark circles under your eyes!"

Me: "That's because I have allergies kid. You have allergies too, right? You're looking at your future, buddy!"

BP: "Yeah, but they came up really suddenly!"

ME: ::puts back on her glasses:: "So, did they disappear?"

BP: "Ohhhhh!"

I guess it didn't help that I was up until 3:30am the night before, but I never miss an opportunity to make my nephew fear for the future. I figure I'll tell him about how guys have to trim their nose hairs the next time he's truly rotten.

In which our heroine terrorizes the local supermarket patrons

Thanksgiving is this Thursday. You may commence to sobbing. I, however, decided to be a grown-up about it, so I wiped away my tears and made a shopping list in preparation for my Fakesgiving celebration (that would be making a big dinner on Friday instead of Thursday). I called my sister to ask her something and we ended up deciding to go grocery shopping together. We used to do it more often, but she lives a couple of towns over now, so it's no longer convenient. However, this is a special occasion, so we figured we'd get it done together and spend some quality time (gack!) together.

So, we're moseying around the supermarket. My sister, Jo, has her infant daughter (Babyzilla) in the shopping cart and my 11-year-old nephew, Bottomless Pit (that's BP to his friends), is helping us shop. Well, let me back up. We weren't moseying. We were on a mission. It may have looked like moseying to the untrained eye, but we're hard-core bargain hunters. We were moseying like a motherfucker up in there.

Seeing as how we're both cooking much of the same food, we needed many of the same ingredients. If Jo grabbed olives, she would ask me if I needed a can while she was at it and vice versa. She'd then have BP grab an extra can and put it in my basket. After a while, Babyzilla got a bit impatient with our shopping, so Jo started carrying her while BP pushed the cart. We were in the dairy aisle, and I found that butter was on sale. I checked with Jo that she needed a pound of salted butter, then grabbed it and dumped it in the cart BP was pushing while saying, "Here ya go, kid."

Then BP said, "Uhhh, Aunt Jakey?" I look up and realize that I've put the butter in the wrong kid's cart. There was some random kid passing by, and I stopped him, told him, "Here ya go, kid," then put butter in his cart. The poor random kid was about 10, and looked appalled and confused. I said, "Uh, oops. Sorry. I thought you were my nephew," and took back the butter.

When I saw poor random kid with his mom, I told her that I was sorry I terrorized her kid and tried to put butter in his cart. A random lady passing by laughed and said, "Been there, done that." That was the best time I've had in the supermarket EVER. I'm finding random people and putting stuff in their cart from here on out.

Oh, and the best part: we were shopping at a store that tells you how much money you've saved. Turns out my sister, who taught me my bargain-hunting ways got a 27% discount, and I got a 34% discount. That's right, the student has surpassed the teacher. HA!

In which our heroine sees the street signs

So, our local radio station has been doing an all 90s weekend. Considering I graduated high school in '94, of COURSE I thought that this was pretty fuckin' cool. So, I've been listening on and off all weekend. A few minutes ago, it hit me: When I was just out of high school, they used to do all 80s music weekends, and I TOTALLY dreaded them. I hated all the "old" music and thought that people who couldn't get on with their lives and start liking the new music were really pathetic.

City: Oldsville
Population: Me

In which our heroine views the world from a different angle

I've wanted prescription sunglasses ever since I switched to wearing glasses full time. My eyesight is good enough that I could definitely just wear regular sunglasses without a prescription, but because I have astigmatism (or maybe just because I'm a freak), it gives me a headache and makes me feel sick to my stomach to drive or bike without my glasses on.

I'm going to get my motorcycle license soon, and I really needed some sunglasses, so I went a one-hour glasses place. The lady was very nice and went through her whole spiel about how I needed polarized glasses and all that. I knew that I needed polycarbonate because I was going to be on a bike, so I let her quote it all out for me. I also had a AAA discount. She told me that the AAA discount was $80, and I was thinking, "DAMN that's a good discount." Then she told me that with the discount, it would be $200. Uh. Wha? $200? Okay then, no glasses for Jake.

On a whim, I went to my local club store and asked them to quote out a price for me. For frames that I liked better, polycarbonate polarized lenses, and scratch coating, it came out to a total of $80. Hot DAMN I'm all over that. They told me it would be a 7 to 10 working days, and I didn't care because I was getting sunglasses and they were perfect and CHEAP!

However, this is a Tale of Woe, so you have to know that it goes south somewhere, right? Tuesday was my first day of school as well as Space Kitty's birthday. It was the one day where I didn't have 2 minutes of free time to rub together... and of course, it was the day my glasses came back. Oh well. They're not going away or anything, but delayed gratification sucks sometimes.

Wednesday rolled around, and I went in to get them after work. I was SO excited. I got them, and they needed to be adjusted, so we did that. I walked out and put them on, and it was GREAT. The prescription was perfect, and everything seemed wonderfully clear. They really cut down on the glare a LOT.

I got into my car and closed the door... and noticed that that polarization on my glasses interacted with the tinting on the windows. Instead of the normal neutral tint on my windows, there's a very neat, but a bit distracting iridescent rainbow pattern when I look through my car windows. Now I view the world through rainbow colored glasses, I suppose. I also suppose that I'll get used to it, but until then, I'll have to be VERY careful while driving.

Not much of a Tale of Woe, I suppose, but it calls to mine one of those morality tales where you're granted a wish and it backfires on you.